Daily Archives: August 20, 2018
Hubby was scheduled to go in at 6 AM and I was scheduled for 9AM. We turned on our alarms to wake up at 4:30 AM to shower and gather the last few things we needed. I woke up at 2 AM stressing and wishing I could back out but from the beginning hubby and I made a deal, “You jump, I jump” meaning if he was determined to do this then I would as well. Of course, I was not as “all in” to this idea as he was so I balked a lot over the last few weeks and cried a lot and mourned the change and loss of food and loss of traditions and routines and anything else I could find to cry about I did. So this morning was no different I tossed and turned and prayed and wished I was not going to have to do this. At 4 AM I finally woke Stewart up and let him in on my panic attack telling him while I cried how crazy this was, that we were insane for thinking this was a solution, trying to bribe him with his favorite meal at our favorite restaurant, every stage of grief I had been going through over the last two weeks I went through again at 4 AM the morning of our surgery. I was freaking out a bit because we had thought I would go first so he could “hand hold” me but then they switched it up and I knew I had to brave it alone without my soul mate. I had my mom to sit with me of course but well, my hubby lets me be a big baby and deals with it, I wasn’t sure how vulnerable I would allow myself to be with my mom. We headed to the hospital and they whisked us away to the back as soon as we arrived. Stewart didn’t even have a chance to hug the kids, we were just moved back to the prep room.