Today is a crappy day. Not because anything particularly crappy happened today (yet) but because I am just so tired.
I’m tired of everything on my shoulders. I am tired of having to be responsible for things that are not my fault and shouldn’t be my responsibility. The weight on my shoulders is tangible, I can feel it. It feels like someone is bearing down on my neck, arms crisscrossed over my shouldered and they are leaning down on me. The church would tell me that is a spirit of oppression, ok… then I am oppressed, but knowing that does very little in helping remove it. My prayer life is tanked because I grow weary of saying the same things and never feeling like I get any different results. (The definition of insanity: doing the same thing over and over expecting different results.)
I am so tired it hurts, they say that is depression. Ok, so I am depressed. Again, that does very little in making it better. Sure, I could go to a shrink. One actually had one look at me and told me I needed to talk to someone. Sure, that would be great, they can tell me I am depressed and give me a little pill that will make me not care that I am depressed and with that, I get a side order of neurological issues that cause random muscle jerks (been there, tried that.) And that all costs money I am not willing to spend when I should be able to overcome this crap on my own through God. But again, the proverbial loop begins…
I eat foods that are bad for me because they make me feel content, for a moment. I need one area of my life to feel content. I mean it is called comfort food for a reason. They say exercise helps with depression, but who in the world wants to exercise when they feel so tired it hurts? And the weight gain is out of control, well, it feels out of control, although I stay about the same size- huge. I am so fat that I can’t wrap my mind around the idea that I need to lose 100 pounds just to get back to my normal chubby girl status I was as a young adult. If it seems so far away it is unreachable then I don’t even bother to try. Yes, I know, think smaller goals. Sure, let’s pretend I can focus to lose 20 pounds… I have done it before. But then it comes back with a vengeance because life will sucker punch me again and I lose my footing and get off track of dieting and exercise and in half the time it took to lose it, that 20 pounds is back and usually it brings a few more friends.
I just keep thinking I need something good to happen. I need a vacation from my reality. I sometimes do this in my head. I day dream, I pretend my life is vastly different than what it is. It is like reading a good book but I am the main character and I get to choose how it goes. I often just lay in bed, staying far too long in my imaginary world that it causes me to resent my reality world even more, so I stop pretending, I stop imagining a different life. It just makes the real one suck more, but it was a nice break for a couple days. But honestly, it is an unhealthy break so I need just to not do that.
I will get through today. I always do. And tomorrow will likely be better. It is a cycle I go through. After so many years of doing this, I have come to recognize the rhythm of it. I usually (but not always) feel anxious right before a bad dip in my emotions. It lasts a day, maybe two, Sometimes I have a good cry. I remind myself not every day feels like today. I tell myself if I just ride it out it will be better soon. That is, until the next time I bottom out or something in life comes along and sucker punches me and back down I go. I know the signs of it and the progression it takes. I try my best to sleep through the worst days because I know tomorrow is a new day and I have hope that it will be better.
I don’t know the answers to everything I go through. I wish I could tell people a sure fire way to get over oppression and depression but there is no “cure” for it. I only can say I have learned to recognize it (usually) as it approaches and I sleep through the worst of it and remind myself not every day is bad as I wait for it to pass. I tough it out, because I have no other choice.
I am timid to post this… it is too exposing, too personal, too revealing my inner struggles. I am sharing with the world something I don’t really share with most of my family. I hesitate but I will share this just so the other person out there who struggles the same way, knows they are not alone. And just remember my dear weary kindred spirit, you have survived every emotional attack to date, and you will survive this one too, just as I will.
Some days I am a warrior, other days I am just a survivor.
Peace, love, and hope,