Joy Comes in the Morning
When you have the weight of the world on your shoulders due to a specific horrific situation in life and you fight depression, the night time is the worst.
During the day you can keep busy, you can find something else to do to distract yourself from that “thing” that bears down on your soul. Daytime is when other people that need you are awake and, well… needing you. Your hubby still needs his breakfast cooked and your kids still need to be educated (I homeschool.) You can usually survive the daylight hours simply by keeping distracted.
But then comes the night. The “monster in your closet” that you spent your childhood convincing yourself wasn’t real. Oh, but it is real… it is sorrow, depression, fear, it is everything you can think of that is wrong and all the ways you can’t do anything about it. It is the devil and he comes seeking to steal, kill, and destroy. He steals my peace, kills my joy, and destroys my hope. And I HATE him for it.
People often say, ‘Well, you should pray before bed, that will help!” But praying is exactly what I do right before bed, that is when I pour out my heart to God and bawl and plead and beg and mourn, and tell Him that I don’t understand. I only sleep from exhaustion after I have wrestled with God for a while. Will my wrestling with God be fruitful like it was with Jacob? Will I ever be Israel? Is there a purpose to any of this I go through? Maybe one day I will know, but it doesn’t help this day or rather this night.
The next day, I wake up still exhausted, still thinking, still struggling but then comes in my blessed distractions. I wish I could say that things are better but they aren’t but I can think about something else for a while and that is wonderful… that is my sanity. It takes a couple hours to get pulled into daily life where I can go about my day but I do feel better, I wouldn’t say “joyous” but I am glad I survived another night and with the daytime I get back a little peace, a tad of gladness, and a smidge of hope, enough to get me through the day once again.
My only hope is that one day something glorious will come from this era of our life. That “this too shall pass”; that “time heals all wounds”… and every other cliché I can think of that tells me it will be better in the future.
I looked up the whole Psalm (below) for the title scripture and after reading it, it does make me feel a little better. To know King David struggled as well and he was called the “Apple of God’s eye” that gives me some comfort. I have NO answers it seems for this problem but reflecting on myself just now as I write this, I realize I have a deep unshaken faith, one that has kept me from throwing up my hands and rejecting God altogether. I have not given up because I am still wrestling with Him, if I have lost ALL hope, I would no longer wrestle I would give up. But I am not giving up, I am going to go to bed every night and pour out my heart to God and bawl and plead and beg and mourn, and tell Him that I don’t understand. And I hope that my persistence will be likened to that of the persistent widow in Luke 18. (below) What choice to I have? I just simply CAN’T give up now.
Joy Comes with the Morning
A Psalm of David. A song at the dedication of the temple.
30 I will extol you, O Lord, for you have drawn me up
and have not let my foes rejoice over me.
2 O Lord my God, I cried to you for help,
and you have healed me.
3 O Lord, you have brought up my soul from Sheol;
you restored me to life from among those who go down to the pit.
4 Sing praises to the Lord, O you his saints,
and give thanks to his holy name.
5 For his anger is but for a moment,
and his favor is for a lifetime.
Weeping may tarry for the night,
but joy comes with the morning.
6 As for me, I said in my prosperity,
“I shall never be moved.”
7 By your favor, O Lord,
you made my mountain stand strong;
you hid your face;
I was dismayed.
8 To you, O Lord, I cry,
and to the Lord I plead for mercy:
9 “What profit is there in my death,
if I go down to the pit?
Will the dust praise you?
Will it tell of your faithfulness?
10 Hear, O Lord, and be merciful to me!
O Lord, be my helper!”
11 You have turned for me my mourning into dancing;
you have loosed my sackcloth
and clothed me with gladness,
12 that my glory may sing your praise and not be silent.
O Lord my God, I will give thanks to you forever!
The Parable of the Persistent Widow
18 And he told them a parable to the effect that they ought always to pray and not lose heart. 2 He said, “In a certain city there was a judge who neither feared God nor respected man. 3 And there was a widow in that city who kept coming to him and saying, ‘Give me justice against my adversary.’ 4 For a while he refused, but afterward he said to himself, ‘Though I neither fear God nor respect man, 5 yet because this widow keeps bothering me, I will give her justice, so that she will not beat me down by her continual coming.’” 6 And the Lord said, “Hear what the unrighteous judge says. 7 And will not God give justice to his elect, who cry to him day and night? Will he delay long over them?
Love, peace, and hope,
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